I’ve had my many shares of vulnerable moments, and I have to say that I have had many vulnerable moments that were horrible. Why were they horrible? Because the person was HORRIBLE at being there for someone who was having a vulnerable moment. I remember learning as a child AND as an adult that adults are NOT always an adult in their mind. Heck, just people in general.
But, through those thousands of terrible experiences, I have had such wonderful experiences of being heard and seen in a vulnerable moment. Through both the good and bad, I was able to find out how to comfort someone. I hope that I have been able to be there for someone.
I digress, through my good and bad, I hope the lessons I have learned and the experiences I have had can help you comfort someone in their own vulnerable moment.
ACTUALLY listen
I have seen people do this in arguments: they listen enough so that they have a response for what you said. They can tune out all of the major details, but then focus on the one off-the-topic comment you had. It’s not helpful. If you’re listening only to defend yourself, then you’re missing the whole part of the discussion.
Instead, listen to them. If they’re mentioning something that you did that hurt their feelings, this was you DON’T do:
“Well I didn’t think that what I did was wrong, but I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry that you’re so sensitive.”
I stated this in my previous blog post, it’s okay to cry, that, sometimes, actions that have good intentions can have bad consequences. It doesn’t matter what your intentions were if the repercussions were so horrible.
I remember when I felt left out by a couple of my friends, so I expressed my emotions and guess what? They said those words above: “Well we don’t think that we left you out.” They kept walking and I just learned to hush my mouth, but that isn’t right.
If I step on your foot and I cause it to swell, does that mean I can excuse your pain because “I didn’t mean to?” No. There’s pain there. Be there for the person. Ask them if they need help with their pain or if it’ll just heal over time.
In these situations, you can say are things such as this:
“I’m sorry that my actions caused you pain. I didn’t mean for that to happen. Thank you for communicating that to me.”
You can even say this if this becomes a repetitive action:
“Is there something that I can do that can alleviate this?”
If you’re listening to someone just vent, then empathize. It is amazing how many times I have seen, and experienced, someone who lacked empathy. I understand now that some people have an incapability of having that skill, whether or not it is just because that’s who they are or because that’s who they say they are.
Understand that it might’ve take courage
I know that whenever I’m confronting someone about an action they have done, it isn’t really the easiest… at least at first. For some people, being confrontational is a skill that seems hard. I know I have! However, whenever someone does confront that person or that thing, I know that it took guts to do that.
It’s easy to just stay quiet and allow that moment to fade away, but it’s better for everyone if that is addressed as soon as possible. Sometimes you’re late to the party when it comes to the issue that needs to be addressed, but that’s okay. Better sooner than later.
Sometimes it takes time for that moment to sink in. Other times, the weight of that moment is instantaneous. Either way, I hope that you are getting my point: whenever you are confronting someone, it takes courage.
If this confrontation is about you, DON’T get defensive. It’s easy to get defensive and shift blame to someone else. That just means that you don’t have to deal with addressing that blame, and potentially not having any guilt. It’s more mature to digest what this person is saying, understand the strength it took to say this, and figure out a solution.
If this confrontation isn’t about you, then, again, just listen.
Sometimes being there is just enough
Just being there for someone can allow that someone to feel heard or seen. Not everyone has that person that they will like they can rely on. So, to just have a moment where someone takes time out of their day to just be there with that person is more than enough.
I understand that it can feel like you are the one out of the billions that is feeling this way and is experiencing this moment. And when you have someone next to you who takes away that feeling, it is a very nice feeling.
For example, I remember my grandma was in a rehab center. It had been a while since someone had seen her. When you listen to everyone, you could hear about how life just altered their plans and now they were preoccupied. It wasn’t their fault, but she just felt so alone. So, me and my family went up and surprised her with a visit.
She felt so happy that we came down to see her and felt so loved. An hour of just hanging out with her made her feel as though she was the most important person ever. Me and my family have been doing this for a bit, and it’s always so nice to see her smile and how she lights up.
It’s little moments similar to these that can aid someone’s sadness.
Being there for someone and being able to make their day is a feeling that I hope you can bring to someone, or even yourself if you need to.
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